our little secret

Water Dragon in the Chinese Zodiac

We have been keeping a secret.  We are growing a human!  He or she is going to join us here in the big bad world in late October, 2012... our little water dragon. 

As writing is both a joy and a coping mechanism for me, I have decided to write about my journey to becoming a mom... for myself, and also for our future little bundle to read one day.  I have always wished that I had more information about my own mother's experience, but being adopted, I can only guess.  I'd like for our son or daughter one day to know how much he or she was wanted... how from the very first day we decided to take the steps towards becoming parents, the idea of that child was filled with love, hope, and promise. 

So, future grown up child... here are the words that I have been saving for you since the very first moment we found out you existed.  I will add to them as we grow together, and hopefully your dad will have some to add too, from time to time!  We both know he is a man of few words, but the ones he chooses are always worth the wait.  ;)

Pre-conception:

A very wise friend once told me that "the journey to being a mother begins when you first decide to try to conceive", and that's what happened in week one. Your dad and I had been discussing you and planning you for a very long time.  YEARS, even.  I was always a little afraid.  I had heard lots of scary stories about what birth would be like, and how sick I was going to feel when I was pregnant.  I was worried I wouldn't be a good mom... that we would let you down somehow.  2011 was a big year for me though.  I went through a lot of things that were pretty hard at the time, but that changed me in ways I could never have foreseen.  I learned what it meant to depend on other people in times of need, and that I had strength inside of me that surpassed anything I considered possible.  I found a wonderful network of moms and other women who had similar views and values, and I started to learn that being a mom wasn't as scary as I thought.  I learned that I was not alone in my fears, nor did I have to make decisions based only on what I knew.  There was a whole world of resources out there, and women who were ready to tell their stories - both beautiful and terrible, but always powerful.  I read lots of stories about birth, and talked to lots of people about why they made the choices they did.  Your dad and I read books (well, I read books and told your dad all about them), and watched documentaries, and finally, we decided it was time for a baby!  I went for a checkup with a doctor, just to make sure everything was good to go, and then I came home and told your dad it was time!  Within the first week, there you were, only we didn't know it yet!  Your grandma says that I always seem to be able to make things happen when I put my mind to them, and boy did I ever want you to happen.  Looks like it worked, once again!  I really do have "horseshoes up my..." well... you know.