first trimester

Well, you probably know by now how to make a baby, so I can tell you that we had done everything in our power to make sure you had a chance to come to us, if it was the right time.  We were now in what they call, in the birthy world, "The Two Week Wait".  If it sounds ominous, that's because it is.  People who have not "tried" to conceive don't know the half of it.  You do everything right, you chart your cycle and you know your peak fertility days... you act on it... and then you wait.  You wait for TWO WHOLE WEEKS to find out if it worked!  Although we knew that we had JUST started to try, and that it might take a while - months or even years - before you decided to join us, we were so hopeful. 



Around the end of the 2nd week (officially week 3 of your development), I started to feel.... different.  It was February 14th, Valentines' day, 2012, and I knew you were in there.  I just KNEW it.  So... against all recommendations, and my own "rules" for myself, I took a home pregnancy test.  The kind with the TV commercials that tell you you can test "5 days sooner".  I knew we might have to wait a week or so to be really sure of the result, but I mean really... to find out about you on Valentines' Day?!?  What could be more perfect?  I sat there - on the edge of the bathtub, where so many mothers-to-be have sat before me - staring at this little plastic stick that held all my hopes and dreams for the future (among other substances), and I watched the first little line turn pink... and then the 2nd.  And I looked at the instructions that came with the test, and they very clearly indicated that two lines means you are pregnant.  And I smiled.  I smiled with my whole body, and my eyes filled with tears.  I think I probably said something like "Holy Shit."  I went quietly downstairs to find your dad, who was in the kitchen, putting yogurt on top of dog food for Riley.  I wanted to mess with him a little, so I just held up the test - carefully composing my face, so he wouldn't be able to guess from my expression.  He looked at it and said "I don't know what that means."  Now, your dad is a pretty smart guy.  I only had to point at the little graphic that explains the results once, and he got it.  I think his words were, "What??  No...  Wait, really??  WHAT????"

The rest of the next several weeks were a blur.  We told some of our closest friends and family.  We interviewed midwives and started getting the team together who would help us bring you into the world.  We were so fortunate to have such a wealth of choice, and access to so much wonderful support and guidance during this time.  I think I posted questions and concerns every single day to my new friends in the birthy world, and was answered every time with love, assistance, reassurance, or a quick reminder to trust my body and listen to what you were asking me for.  After all, this is what I was made for.  I was made to grow you and bring you into the world.  Is there anything more beautiful than that?

It wasn't all beautiful.  At times I was pretty miserable.  I'm not going to lie, the hormones and changes to my body that came along with you have not always been pleasant.  I spent many mornings (and evenings) with my head in the toilet, and the emotional and mental battle of trying to make sure that you were getting enough of the right kinds of food when the last thing I wanted to do was think about... food... was draining.  There were days I wished I could pack it all in.  I mean, how badly did I really want a child?  Really.  But all the mamas in my life kept me going.  They reminded me that it would all be SO worth it the first time I looked into your eyes.   Every time I heard you laugh, or wiped away a tear.  Snuggled up to you and smelled your perfect baby skin.  I held onto that, and we got through it together! 

When you were still too little to be seen from outside my body, daddy was having a hard time believing you were really in there.  As you know, he likes facts, and things he can see and touch.  Things that come with "proof".  I'm not sure how my head in the toilet was not enough proof for him, but we do know he thinks I'm a little over-dramatic, so we'll chalk it up to that.  We were planning to let you grow in peace, with as few interventions and strange machines interfering with you as possible.  We wanted to trust that I knew how to grow you, and you knew just who you were meant to be... but with Daddy feeling more and more left behind as you and I got to know each other, I knew he needed some part of you that he could connect to as well.  We decided to ask the midwife to listen to your heartbeat with the handheld doppler at the clinic.  I'm sorry if that was scary for you.  I told you I loved you, but we could hear you were trying to squirm away, so the midwife stopped very quickly.  She understood.  Your little heartbeat was so beautiful though.  So fast and strong.  Perfect.  Daddy smiled all day.  I like to think you knew how happy it made us, and it was worth it. 


The first trimester was definitely a time of growing (literally and figuratively), and learning to let go.  Giving up control, and letting you set the pace.  I am still not sure if my body is very good at being pregnant, but we're learning together.  Thank you for being my greatest teacher before you were even the size of a grapefruit.